I am here, at this point.

I believe I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to please other people.  I think it’s my biggest weakness.  In efforts to make others concerns known and more important, I’ve realized how I have devalued myself.  There is an underlying lack of self-worth in my life.  I can often feel the discomfort in the pit of my stomach.  I am disgusted by it. I know most of you reading this may tilt your head a bit and question my words.  Well, I am at the point where I don’t care.  I am simply tired.  I am burnt out from playing cool, playing good, and just playing period.  Most of what people get from me is based on what they can get out of me.  I am better than that.  I am worth more than that, at least I think I am.

In feeling this way, I am aware of my spiritual beliefs.  I wholeheartedly believe that I am a mere man without God.  It is because of the life and death of Christ that I even have value.  However, I’ve held humans to an expectation to communicate this type of love when, in fact, we are incapable.  I would also venture to say that sometimes these beliefs aren’t so vivid.  There are dark times of suffering that can cause our faith to waver even when we know what we believe is fact and not based on feelings.  The biggest question I ask myself is what do I do with these feelings?  I struggle with people-pleasing, so, therefore, I can continue to act as if I am good, living as if I am not aching from pain of stress, denial, and self-worth.

I pretend.

What is mere man where I have to pretend to be someone I am not?  To enjoy things that I don’t find fun.  To encourage others when I am empty.  Who am I to put so much value on opinion and perception?  It is logical to act upon a way where I am eliminating these thoughts of others and defeat this struggle.  This is my thorn.  This is my sin.

Most may counsel me to believe that I am dealing with idolatry, and I wouldn’t disagree.  However, I would argue that idolizing people when these particular people keep disappointing me is a poor thing to idolize, right?  Idols give hope.  They are important and give a sense of inspiration.  I don’t believe I’ve had that type of experience yet.  Others would say pride, and I definitely wouldn’t argue.  Pride is a very interesting emotion.  It is disguised in so many things.  From not self-reflecting on our behavior to being defensive over unnecessary situations, pride can slowly drive us to a deep dark valley where there are no lilies.  Nothing to look up too.  No beauty to have hope.

I guess my next question is how does pride look in the form of pleasing others?  If I sit here and reflect, maybe I am prideful for thinking I am needed by these people I tend to please.  Who am I to believe that my efforts are needed for others benefit.  In reality, I personally can’t add value.  I can only share it.  Jesus.  That’s all I have, but yet this fact is not conquering my feelings.  I am tired.

This blog post is a form of release to say that I am tired of loving others in a way where it’s causing me to feel low or undervalued.  I want to love people and tend to them with the spirit of love. The love that God has given me through Christ.  I want to be inspired more by my beliefs and not my insecurities.  I want to be a true version of myself without the influences of others.  I want to be who God made me be in this world.  Although I know this isn’t my home, I know that he’s giving me something to share while I’m here.  The Gospel for starters, but also every gift that makes me who I am.  Pleasing others in a sinful way has caused so much pain, and I am looking for healing.

I can be healed, and I know that in this life that’s not a guarantee.  However, to have hope is to persevere.  I am working to be restored and not idolize humans in a prideful way.  I am working on embracing my uniqueness.  I am working on living a life that is not pleasing to the people around me but only for the Glory of God.

My prayer is simple.

“God, use me for Your Glory.  Reveal yourself to me daily”

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