I know most of you reading this is curious to know what this blog post is all about, and what I’m crying about now. Well, today marks two years since I lost my dad. Yep… it’s one of those posts. The sad and sympathetic one. The one people probably tired of reading. I’ll admit, I’m tired too but when you have the urge to write. You have to write. It’s simple, right?
So, two years ago today, I found out my dad died of leukemia. Since then, it has been a hell of a time. I’ve experienced low places, high places, middle places, unknown places, green places, blue places. I’ve been tested to the absolute max. I’ve changed. I’ve started dating, and I’ve even moved to another city. I’m not talking about the one I mentioned in Meet Pain, Gain Hope post either. My behind is in a whole new city, y’all. It’s only been two darn years. Take that in for a moment…EXACTLY!
All of this change has created unsubtle behavior. I’ve been depressed, sad, stressed, pressed and whatever other word can describe emotional unstableness. That’s been me. I’ve felt every sad emotion there is to man, and the sad part about it is the fact that it’s life. It is what it is, right? There are people who’ve experienced way worse than me, and I honestly cannot imagine. This life hurts.
As I write this blog post about myself and my feelings, I have a sense of comic relief. This is an emotion that I’m experiencing in this particular specifically assigned season. I’m humored by my selfish pity. The inner me is saying, “get the hell over it.” At this point, my question is how. How do you get over death? How do you move on? Someone please tell me! I am sick of it now. Where’s the happiness? Where’s the love?
Where are you, huh?
It gets hard out here trying to stay happy, work, save money, and live for Jesus too. However, I have to credit my faith… it has never sold me a lie that trials were easy. Its never told me that I’ll just have to deal with whatever I am dealing with. My faith has taught me to understand perseverance and that it creates steadfastness and so forth. So, I’m not knocking what I believe. I am merely speaking to these emotions God created. They are a piece of work. Totally depraved in this human experience.
However, Beautiful in design.
I acknowledge my beliefs and I am grateful for salvation. I just want to be done with not being honest in how I actually feel on this earth. I always want to be directed back to my faith without a doubt, but I want to be able to be real. Transparent. These are my feelings. I feel this way. I am still hurting about my dad’s death. I’m better but I’m not over it. Walk with me, two years later.
Sometimes, I think about what my dad would say to me if he was still here today. Would he be proud that I moved again? Would he be proud of my new relationship? Would he come visit me? Would he think I’m rich? Which he thought anyway but that’s besides the point.
I just wonder. My daddy thinking about his youngest daughter. About her growth and smiling at his child. The baby he held, the little girl he carried, the young woman he dropped off at college. I just wonder, but I know he’s praising the King daily. Heaven filled with joyful noises and sweet triumphs of victory. This world left behind and beholding Glory.
I know it’s sweet up there, Pops.
This is our two year anniversary. Your baby girl is healing but still not healed. We both know when that’ll be, so until then… rest easy.