Okay, Listen…

I am a thinker. I think a lot about my actions, my characteristics, my interests and so much more. I often wonder if I would’ve stayed consistent on something I truly wanted, would I have obtain it? I often wonder, if I would accomplish any of the goals I set for myself. These are things I’ve noticed about my being. It is hard for me to remain consistent with anything that I do. Let’s say I am consistent for a little while… I end up losing my way again. Hence, inconsistency. As I think about this, I just want to take this time to reflect so that is what this blog post is about, reflection. Well, to be honest, majority of my blog posts are about reflections and feelings, but you know that already.

I’m going to start this off by saying, I have goals. There are specific goals that I’ve set for myself that I would like to reach one day. However, I have a two week endurance fact sheet. I will be focused on a goal then end up back where I started. I can’t understand why I am this way, so I have to think of theories and really search deep down to find the root.

My first scenario or example, weight loss. I’ve been on this journey for years. I’ve lost nearly 50lbs over a period of time, but I’ve also gained it all back. I do keep in mind the traumatic instances that has occurred in my, but if we would fast forward to now, I have a great boxing trainer whose sat down with me to encourage me and I still can’t get my act together. Here’s my assumption, I have some deep scares. There’s something deep in me that won’t allow me to be great. My very first month of training, I lost 8 lbs. I was consistent in working hard and being extremely discipline. If we look at my current moment, discipline packed up her bags and moved on. I literally have nothing but desires. No grit.

My second assumption would be that I don’t really have goals or that I’m lazy. Yeah, I think I’m lazy because having goals is a part of the millennial DNA, right? I can’t just not have goals. Yeah, I think I may be lazy and don’t like process that much. The crazy thing about all of these assumptions is that I am not sure what’s really right. I’ve been told to go to counseling but I can’t afford counseling. Shoot even my boxing class is a luxury…which goes into my next topic, finances.

My family has always been poor. When people ask me about my upbringing, I am transparent as transparent can get, “We broke! I mean pissy broke.” I grew up in a household that had money pass through but never stick. We would get money, spend money then need money. It was a crazy experience. The crazy part about it is the fact that I became the same way and still have these tendencies til this day. I have a goal to not be broke or depend on government assistance or even my family. I want to be a good steward of my money. I’ve even took the Dave Ramsey class to show my commitment to my goal. HOWEVER, that’s been almost a year ago and I still haven’t been successful at any of the steps in the process. I’ve even gotten a promotion since then and still playing the same game… “I got money, I spend money, I need money” rotation.

Why?

My assumption is that it’s a sense of conditioning from my childhood, but that’s sounds like a solid excuse. I seen the stuff I want when I had the money so I would get it because that’s what I was always told to do, “Get it now because you had it. Later on, you will be wishing you bought it.” I have the material but no longevity. Yet, I still think this way til this day. My second assumption would be that I’m lazy. Yeah, I’m going to include that one again. I don’t want to take the time to think about disciplining myself yet alone actually disciplining myself. I just don’t feel like doing it. Hence, laziness.

Those are just two examples to reflect on my inconsistencies. You see that I have two goals that I’m not meeting and not apparently trying to meet them. Some people will just say do it and I would respond, “I know.” My biggest question is how do I keep doing it. I’m an extrovert that is easily distracted, so how do I do stay consistent?

My assumption would be to actually listen to others and “do it.” I think the biggest difference in the human experience is that we all struggle with something particular. This may be my struggle but struggles are not stained in our path permanently. They are simply tools designed to chisel a masterpiece of work.

I am going to rule my excuse as a sense of laziness from mentality to physicality. My laziness is clearly winning this war, but I have to fight it.

Now, hopefully I can take my own advice and actually fight. We all know that consistency leads to victory.

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